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March 2008 
What do you think about more than anything else?
Posted on Dec 31st, 2007
by 
djuro
djuro
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for December 31, 2007:
Since I've always been honest with Zaadsters, I'll share this answer with you.
It's a sad realization, and I'm glad you asked.
Lately, my winter blues combined with my bottled-up grief, and all I think about is "not good enough".
When I imagine what kind of paintings I'm going to create, I hear myself: "You can't be both a designer, a web developer AND a painter! Make up your mind! You're waisting time and money! You don't have enough time for all of it!"
When take a break from my work, I think "C'mon, who are you to play designer? You're not good enough. You should have never left your college".
When I daydream about my future studies, and the kind of college I'd like to go to, I'm soon stopped by a voice "Who are you kidding? You'll never earn enough money to go study abroad. Your father died and no one can pay for your education anymore. And why should anyone? You dropped out even you were doing fine, only to follow your bliss. You never finish anything!"
Oh, the tyranny of mind infected with worry and doubt!
It's a sad realization, and I'm glad you asked.
Lately, my winter blues combined with my bottled-up grief, and all I think about is "not good enough".
When I imagine what kind of paintings I'm going to create, I hear myself: "You can't be both a designer, a web developer AND a painter! Make up your mind! You're waisting time and money! You don't have enough time for all of it!"
When take a break from my work, I think "C'mon, who are you to play designer? You're not good enough. You should have never left your college".
When I daydream about my future studies, and the kind of college I'd like to go to, I'm soon stopped by a voice "Who are you kidding? You'll never earn enough money to go study abroad. Your father died and no one can pay for your education anymore. And why should anyone? You dropped out even you were doing fine, only to follow your bliss. You never finish anything!"
Oh, the tyranny of mind infected with worry and doubt!
Access: Public
I am not going to tell you to stop being so hard on yourself because maybe you need to be… but do you know that it is common for highly creative and gifted people to have challenges finishing things? It's also a very characteristic trait to lack a little self-confidence, when really deep down, you do have it. If you are the only one that is allowed to doubt you, but as soon as someone else mentions it, you're ire begins to rise, you are much like me.
I was good at doing many creative things, and was told by almost everyone to focus, to let them all go in favor of one. Yet, I never did. I used to start a painting, and then go into a deep angst stage thinking, “I can't finish it.” For many days and sometimes weeks it would hurt to work on it. Then, I would get over the hump, and Iwould feel that great sense of accomplishment. I don't feel that way about my other creative endeavors - drawing, writing, singing, animation, photography, acting, scene design,… the lit goes on.
Don't limit yourself, and don't worry about not finishing. Sometimes your “end” comes before the predetermined end. That just means that you are meant to be doing something else, now. I have always said that if you want to do something badly enough, you will find a way. If you want to go to school abroad, gather your resources. My father died before I started college, and everything in my life was adjusting. It took me six years to finish. There's no shame in going at your own pace.
And by all means get out into the Sunshine states and soak it up to get rid of those doldrums! Look at the skies in paintings of the West. Take in that gorgeous saturated blue.
drechanteuse
drechanteuse, I am so grateful you stopped to tell me this. Your words resonate with me, even as I sound very depressive up there in my post. They're just thoughts…and eventhouh I know they are not true, their power is evident.
You are right about everything, especially about lacking self-confidence only when with myself. I guess I subconsciously compare myself to others, and “count” how much time do I have to “get somewhere”. Very ironic, because my path is so different from other for very reason of enjoying the process, and not wanting “to get somewhere”.
Thank you so much, I'll try and get your positive words into my head whenever I detect doubt in myself. Our paths are similar, and I'm glad you bumped into me.
I will tell you to stop listening to that negative voice that keeps telling you your not good enough. I have that same voice too. And If I listen to it long enough I start believing it.Drown that voice out with good, positive productive thoughts. We all have quit things and not finished and have doubts and if we keep replaying them over and over we will get even more discouraged. Forget about all those things. You are exactly where you are supposed to be this very moment right now. Focus on what you want now (and not on the absence or lack of it) and know that it will be. You can have, be, do anything you want. You are enough. There is abundance everywhere - all around you. Take notice of it. You will have the money for school. It will happen. Just know it. This is your life and you are the creator. Focus on the good in your life so you can get more of it.
I read somewhere “Stop Licking that pickle, anchovy ice cream if you don't like the taste” which means stop doing and thinking that thing that makes you feel that way.
I wish you a very happy, healthy, prosperous New Year!
Hugs to you, Djuro! I have every confidence that you will be fine, no matter what you do. Your loving spirit shines through and I imagine it shines through in everything you do. Take it easy on yourself. Happy new year!
Thank you, wonderful zaads ladies!
Lisa: yes, that's what I meant when I said their power is evident. Words have a power of getting our mind to believe something. I may not believe it, I may be confident in myself, but my mind remembers what I said to myself, and starts to doubt. Thank you for reminding me of the power I have, and which is much greater! Hehe, anchovy ice cream…sounds yucky, just like bringing yourself down.
Jen: you are a real sweetheart. Hugs back!
I understand this thoughts I have are only fear of some sort. And I know that fear doesn't stand a chance against Love. That is why these thoughts can't get me when I'm completely present in my work, my creativity. What I need to practice is to be present when those thoughts start to going round in my head. Maybe even let them be for a while. And then punch 'em in the nose with a love thought!
One of these love thoughts might just as well be your kind words, my sweet friends!